My Neighbor Mrs. Peabody

I once had a neighbor named Mrs. Peabody. She was an old hairless cat whose husband had went to bridge years ago and her children lived in different states across the country. Mrs. Peabody was hard of hearing, so I often heard her TV. She watched a lot of Jerry Springer and cooking shows.

Mrs. Peabody often came knocking on my door when she needed something done like carrying in her groceries, installing new light bulbs, etc. I didn't mind doing these things for her since she was a fairly nice lady. She usually thanked me by baking me a mice cream cake. This was the norm for months, but one night that changed.

I had just gotten home from my nightly gig as a stripper; I was hired for a bachelorette party that evening. A night full of dancing will make a cat tired. I walked in the door, threw my wallet and keys on the table, grabbed a catnip soda and relaxed into my recliner. While I was flipping through channels on my TV, I heard a knock at my door. I figured it was Mrs. Peabody needing something, so I dragged myself off my recliner and opened the door. I was right, it was Mrs. Peabody, but she came with a very odd request.

"Good evening young man, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me with something." she said.

"Yeah, sure. What do you need?" I asked.

"I have been trying to get into shape recently to impress Mr. Crinkles downstairs....he's such a hunk with those bulging biceps, his furry chest and his...." She said with a twinkle in her eye. "Anyway, I've been walking a lot lately with my new walking shoes, and they are just too small. I now have a little problem...I was bathing this morning when I found several large corns on my toe. I tried to take care of them myself, but I don't have that kind of dexterity to get them. I was wondering if you could help me." She said staring at me.

"Ummmm..." I muttered with shock. "I'm not sure I want to know you like that." I said.

"Please! I have a date with Mr. Crinkles tomorrow, and we are going to the beach, I can't have these corny toes!" She pleaded. " I will give you a quarter per corn!"

Is this really happening right now? I don't mind helping with normal things, but this was gross and crossing boundaries. I really wanted to say no, but she kept looking at me with weepy eyes. "Okay." I said.

"Oh Butters, you're such a good young man helping an old lady with her corns." She said while she walked into my living room. She sat on my couch and took off her shoe. I stood watching with a sick feeling in my stomach, "It feels good to get these feet out of those shoes!" She exclaimed while stretching her toes. There they were, two large corns on her right end toe. They were big and yellow, not at all what I was expecting. "Now Butters we got to pop these!" She said.

I slowly walked over and sat on the floor next to her foot. "How do I pop them?" I asked.

"You have to squeeze them until they pop like a zit." She said. "That makes me want some popcorn."

I felt vomit make it's way up my throat. Looks like I will never be able to go into a movie theater again without thinking of this moment.

I began to squeeze hoping for to be over quick but nothing was happening because her skin was really calloused from all that walking. I grabbed my nail file and began filing away. Skin shavings were flying all through the air. I eventually scrapped off the tough skin, so I threw out that nail file and began to squeeze those corns. It only took a few seconds, and there was a loud POP and out went flying yellow pus. I needed to bathe in hot water for hours, and I still will not feel clean.

"I'll let you know how it goes." She said and walked out the door."Thank you Butters!" Mrs. Peabody said happily. "I can go to the beach with beautiful feet thanks to you! Here's two quarters for you dear." She said handing me the quarters.

I immediately grabbed the bleach and cleaned my entire room. I then drew a hot bath and laid in there to think. Why did she think this was appropriate? Sure I help her with things but this...this...I really hoped I wouldn't have nightmares for the rest of my life because of this. I got out of my bath and drank several more catnip sodas and fell asleep.

I didn't hear anything from Mrs. Peabody for a few days. I figured she was embarrassed about the whole thing which I don't blame her. After a few days, I had a knock on my door and there she was standing with the largest smile I have ever seen. Apparently she and Mr. Crinkles hit off so well that they eloped at the Elvis Chapel and Casino. They had left to Hawaii for their honeymoon which is why I didn't hear from her for a few days.

Who knew popping someones corns could lead to true love?

~Butters