My Epic Fight With An Earwig!

I was minding my own business eating and grooming myself when I spotted him, a shiny shelled pincher or what you may know as an earwig. You know, those bugs that lay eggs in your ears while you sleep! They also wear wigs because they are self-conscious about their baldness. Anyway.....He was traveling to my pillow, and the following dialogue occurred:

Me- What are you doing?

EW- I'm going to lay my babies on that fluffy thing over there.

Me- Oh no you're not! That's mine!

EW- Who made you king?

Me- I did, and I will be your future president!

EW- Something is seriously wrong with you...I'm going to be on my way now.

Me- Not to my pillow!

EW- It's mine now!

That was it! Where did he get off talking to me like this?! I am the KING! How dare he defy me like this!

Me- Prepare to meet your doom!

EW- You don't scare me!

I started to poke him with my toe, but I noticed he was wearing a shield. This is when I discovered he came prepared for battle! If he wanted a battle, he was going to get a battle! I licked my paw and gave him a few hard whacks. He stumbled. I smiled and continued smack the snot out of him. This is not an exaggeration, his snot was flying everywhere, I had to put on safety goggles just in case his snot was acid.

I knew I was winning this battle, and I got too cocky. While I was smacking him and laughing, he raised up his butt up and came at my with his pinchers! I hopped back in shock, but I regained my composure and jumped back into the battle. SMACK! SMACK! After a few good whacks to his skull, I felt the most horrible pain! I started shaking my paw, and there he was, dangling from my toe. I then screamed, "THIS IS BUTTAH!", and I flicked my paw. He then flew off my toe in what seemed to be in slow motion.

I needed to tend to my injury, so I called upon my guard who then smashed him until he was completely dismembered. I then gave him burial by sewer. May he rest with turds in the sea.

~Butters